Earth's Edge
by DoodleDumble
Summary: (((((Season 4 spoilers)))))) Set soon after season 4's violent end. The brothers are lost and reeling and not sure yet how to move forward, so when the youngest is caught going places he shouldn't be, it becomes very dramatic. (Some language)
1. Chapter 1

A crash resounded throughout the lair, causing three heads to turn.

While normally such disturbances had a sort of regular frequency in the ninja family, the three present knew it wasn't Donatello this time, even though the sound _had_ come from the lab; because Mikey was laying on the couch with a videogame, Raph across the pit watching TV and Donnie to the side of them at the living room table going through science drafts, each in the furthest corner away from each other possible, as if in their own little world.

The three only had a moment to look at each other, wide-eyed and _what the hell?_ And _where's Leo?_ Running across their faces, before the oldest brother stumbled into the main living area mumbling to himself, Donnie's laptop in one hand and visibly frazzled. The younger three jumped up on instinct, torn between panic for their brother and fear about _what's going on,_ but found themselves frozen in shock when Leo's mumbling became audible. He was erratic, not clearly talking either to himself or the family members present, and words like "Can't believe", "Never happen" and "Killed" could be picked out of his rambling. Moving through the lair with all the force of a train, he still stumbled over and bumped into things he clearly should've known were there.

It was Raph who was on his feet first, and he was already halfway to Leo, holding out his hands and almost going pale with panic as he started firing questions. Donnie and Mikey looked at each other, exchanging wildly confused and alarmed expressions, wondering what they should do. "Leo? What's wrong, bro? Is everything ok? Maybe you should sit down. What's goin' on?"

"What's going on?" Leo repeated, quickly and suddenly talking directly to his brothers and waving Donnie's laptop haphazardly, abruptly reacting so strongly to Raph's questions that Raph stopped in his tracks. Leo's eyes were suddenly on them, churning, fearsome and angrier than they swore they'd ever seen, flashing like lightning ablaze, but somehow he still got angrier by the second. Something deep and sickening twisted in the younger brothers' guts as they watched the oldest in fear. " _What's going on!_ I think _I_ should be the one asking that question!"

"Leo? What are you talking about?" Donnie asked, quickly trotting toward Leo as well, but not going any closer than Raph had, panic on his face mixed with confusion as he glanced from Leo to the laptop. Behind them, Mikey stared at the oldest brother and computer in turn, blood beginning to rush out of his horrified face.

" _Oh, no."_ He thought, body tensing and nausea lurching. _"This isn't...please, tell me no. I didn't even think to try and delete...I didn't think any of them would...please no, please_. _"_

Leo, practically shaking by now, suddenly whipped the laptop open and shoved it toward them, his eyes like burning sapphires of coal behind the computer. His voice had gone so low, sharp and slow that each little brother felt like moving might slice them open.

"Does somebody want to tell me _who_ was visiting suicide websites last night at 3am, and reading about death by heights?"

Even watching from behind, seeing Raph and Donnie go white was like watching the ocean wash the beach away. But Mikey felt like he probably looked the same, his heart suddenly racing too fast afterwards to take in any more details. He instinctively curled backward across the couch as if to get away as panic and outrage ensued from the older two.

" _It wasn't like that. It wasn't like that._ It wasn't like that. _"_ His thoughts raced.

"What the _hell?_ " Raph exclaimed, staring at the internet's history log like it was an axe Leo had found underneath the couch. Donnie instinctively grabbed the laptop, staring at the screen so closely and intensely that he could've been looking for display errors.

"I don't understand. I w... _none_ of us would _do_ that. It must be some kind of mistake..." Donnie rambled.

"Well, why is it _there_ then!" Leo exclaimed, the very picture of an atomic meltdown as he grabbed the computer again for emphasis, and his outburst was quickly followed by Raph's, whose hands raked over his head as panic swallowed him whole.

"Mistake? The internet history doesn't make _mistakes!_ Why the hell is it _there!_ What the _fuck!_ "

And as if on cue, all three older brothers turned in unison to look at Mikey, the only one who hadn't said anything, all four wide-eyed, and Mikey could _feel_ the instant he broke out into a cold sweat. With sudden panic, he realized they weren't being accusatory, it was just becoming horribly obvious how he wasn't _saying_ anything. He still had a chance to get out of this alive. He immediately glanced down, unable to meet their intense gaze.

His first instinct was to raise his hands, and deny everything. "Don't look at me like that. Like I'd be looking at stuff like that. That's crazy. That's _stupid._ " His voice was unsteady and serious, and he hoped it was enough to make his brothers buy it. He shook his head at them. "Don't look at me like that."

Raph and Donnie started yelling at him and exclaiming, saying something about _then who,_ and _impossible,_ and _what the hell,_ and too much horror and freaking out and disbelief to actually think Mikey had done something like this, but when Mikey looked up at them again Leo was staring at him, and meeting his gaze was like a lightning strike to a metal post. The others' words were lost on him when his heart stopped and his body tried to jump back, and in that brief, tense second that they stared at each other, Mikey knew the truth had already told itself. Raph and Donnie could tell, too, or they'd be able to, as soon as they stopped panicking and trying to deny it.

"Mikey." Leo said in a low voice, but it still overpowered Raph's and Donnie's bickering like a creek drowning in a landslide, and they stopped to stare as Leo took a solid step forward.

There was no assaulting lecture, or furious accusations, or even any sort of loose-hinged, wildly panicked freaking out, because all of that was in the heavy steps Leo was taking towards him, his face blank and his blue eyes like ice and fire colliding in a blaze of chaos, and Mikey immediately went on an _intense_ defensive.

"Why were you even _checking_ the internet history!" He said, scrambling and leaping over the far end of the couch, freezing at the other side as if he intended to use it to protect him.

"Why was I checking? Ha!" Leo laughed, but it was coarse, and filled with panic, and horror, and anxiety. "Here's a better question! Why should I _have_ to!"

Mikey's emotions flared, and suddenly there was burning anger, and hurt, and frustration that he didn't know where came from. "I don't know, why _do_ you have to?! You afraid we're gonna run off and get killed too, if you don't watch us?!"

In the next instant, the world had exploded. Leo had dropped Donnie's laptop and lunged, and whether to apprehend an escape or to grab him by the neck and shake him, nobody could tell. Donnie had dove for his computer in reflexive panic and Raph had been all but knocked off his feet at the sudden explosion of movement, and Mikey was charging away at the same time Leo had lunged after him, both brothers screaming.

" _Stop,_ leave me _alone!_ "

" **Michelangelo, come** _ **here, RIGHT NOW!**_ "

" _Go away!_ "

"MICHELANGELO HAMATO!"

Furniture tumbled and crashed as the two raced into the hallway where their bedrooms were, entered and exited a couple as Mikey vainly looked for a place to hide, and back again. The other two were immediately charging after their brothers, presumably to stop them both and restrain Leo, but Mikey knew he'd never get away then. He knew they'd hold him down until they'd twisted and wrung some kind of response out of him, no matter what it was – and who knew what they'd do once they had one.

He knew they wouldn't listen, wouldn't understand. Not like this.

In a right turn sharp enough to send Leo careening across the floor and Raph tumbling into the nearest wall, Mikey shot out the entrance of the lair.

.

.

.

The cold, gravelly pavement of the rooftops stung his feet as he raced across the dark, late-evening city.

It _wasn't_ like that. He couldn't even fathom it being like that, not ever, not if the whole world froze over...not with brothers like his. Never.

His knee was jarred slightly as he landed hard on a rooftop and raced onward.

Sometimes it was just hard to stop over-thinking, and looking for the meaning in difficult things, especially after the world slowed down and he was left alone with his own brain. And when he was lying awake and couldn't stop thinking, he couldn't sleep, so he distracted himself by staying up on the internet, because staying up distracted was far better than staying up with nothing but his own thoughts. And if he looked up something unhappy, the internet had a way of taking it and using it to show him things that _really_ weren't happy.

Even if he was only looking in the first place because his mind had a morbid need to know more about the very thing that had traumatized him, whether that made sense or not.

He made a long leap, jumping over a large gap between buildings.

He could just as easily avoid all those things, and probably find a better way to distract himself, he knew – but there was no force on earth that could make him bother any of his brothers with this, not like this, and certainly not when they were hurting so much themselves – and he wouldn't bring it up to April or Casey for largely the same reasons. So he went off in search of other things, anything to drown himself in, but it never seemed to have any meaning and it never helped at all, so the vicious cycle repeated itself. That happened far too often lately, since there was a new empty room in the lair where there had once been abounding love, and security, and guidance. With this pain he had now, he didn't know what to do with it.

The cold wind whipped his face and his eyes stung.

He loved his brothers, so, so much, and knew they would have no problem letting him know how much they loved him, too. But the crushing loss of their father had crushed all of his brothers to the ground, and he knew there was nothing they could do about it because he was in the same place, too. Leo had been stalking around with his shoulders hunched and his head down, and none of his little brothers knew what to say to him at the moment because they were terrified by the crippling weight and guilt their big brother must've suddenly felt on his shoulders, justified or not. Raph hadn't been leaving his room much, hadn't been eating much, and when he did, he either avoided everybody or didn't talk to anyone; and Donnie had just begun down the path of drowning himself in projects, increasingly working himself to death until it detrimentally effected his health, and talking to everyone and anyone about everything and anything, as long as it wasn't about anything important like family, or the issues at hand, or the trauma demon they were all suddenly facing off against.

The first few days, the four of them had held onto each other like life rafts in the sea, and there was love and comfort and a sort of security in that, even if parts of it felt flimsy and desperate – otherwise, they all would have probably caved in on themselves and never recovered. But nobody was talking about it and now they refused to acknowledge it, because it was getting too difficult to say everything was going to be alright as if the chasm-like feeling of guilt, and sudden vulnerability, and loneliness, and anxiety, and doubt, and loss of direction, wasn't growing too strong to handle.

Mikey had a special anxiety in his heart for Raphael, because out of all his brothers, he was the one who had to watch what happened up-close, practically within arm's reach, and his silence was driving panic through the rest of his brothers like a knife. The anxiety and worry etched into their oldest brother's face seemed to be aging him by a couple hundred years, and it was visibly amplified by a little over a thousand any time Leo caught a glimpse of the immediate younger. Mikey and Donnie felt the same way.

He didn't even want to think about how it felt to know it didn't matter when the four of them would come home from missions at night anymore, or how they'd be effectively on their own if something horrible happened, or how for everything Splinter used to do for them while they were gone, they'd have to do it themselves.

How there was no wise, parental figure there to give advice anymore when they got stuck, and nobody to give them a furry hug and understand everything when it seemed like nobody else in the world did. Nobody would text them to check on them during missions anymore, nobody would be on the couch watching TV when they came home, the pets wouldn't be looked after, the lair wouldn't smell like the noodles he'd made them for dinner. The smell of incense would never drift from his room again.

What they were gonna do about Oroku Saki now, or how they were gonna stay safe at all, he wasn't sure, because he didn't think any of his brothers or either human friends believed the tongue-in-cheek blow Casey had given the man was going to keep him down. It made him too sick to the stomach to think about, and made the chasm-like anxiety and loss of security so much worse.

And damn it all, since his brothers had all decided to put up a tough-guy act, if he wasn't the one that let them find something like – like – _this,_ of all things in the _whole_ world, and of course they had to be so _dramatic_ and make a huge deal out of it. Of course he would be the one, in this situation, that would let them down, and make himself look like he couldn't...like...like...

He stopped on a fire escape, dropping his head into his hands and sniffling.

Where was he going? Where was he?

He started crying a little harder, and then was quickly crying a lot harder, more than he'd thought he was going to. And when he looked up, he realized he was standing in front of April's apartment.

 _When did I get here?_

Fist violently shaking, he knocked anxiously on her window, and covered his face again, unable to contain the sobs, not really sure whether she even heard him or not.

But like always, without fail, he heard the tell-tale bumps inside the apartment as she approached the window, and April quickly threw it open, hardly before she even looked to see who it was.

" _Mikey._ "

* * *

It was about ten minutes later that Mikey was sitting on her living room couch wrapped in a blanket and a hot drink on the table in front of him, with his face buried in the soft fabric and hardly coherent as his sister and friend sat beside him, coaxing as much of the story from him as possible.

April already had a good idea of the state the Hamato family was in at the moment, and honestly the only reason she wasn't staying with them right now, or making them stay with her, was because she needed to wrap up some loose ends at school and fabricate something to tell her own family before she was clear, and Casey was in the same situation. But the plan was for both humans to move in with their turtle family as soon as possible, and both human friends had been visiting frequently, April most of all, because she had a terrible feeling she knew exactly what her boys were going through right now – and just how much they needed anyone who even vaguely simulated parent-like behavior.

Watching the youngest brother sitting beside her, shoulders heaving and face so terribly wrenched in despair whenever he showed a glimpse of it, April gave a grievous, broken-hearted sigh. "Oh, Mikey baby."

Pulling him into the tightest hug she could manage, she squeezed her little brother as he cried out painfully, wracked with horrible sobs.

"I just...don't know...what to do." He cried, broken voice muffled in the fabric. "I didn't mean it. I don't know why I even...but I can't go back, 'cause they're gonna be yelling, an' they'll yell at me, an' they won't listen 'cause...'cause they can't, they don't know how, 'cause they're hurting so bad, and I did this to them, oh April, look what I did to them..." And Mikey stopped there, crying too hard again to continue.

April buried his head under her chin and hushed him, holding him tight and rocking gently back and forth, and willed herself, with every force by which she called herself strong, to not let her own crying get the best of her. She stroked Mikey's head, and blew on the back of his neck to soothe him and cool him down, the way her father used to do for her, until his crying softened a little again.

"Mikey." She said gently, quietly, lovingly, and he soaked in her words. "Your brothers may be mad, and you're right, they're probably very scared. But you know what they feel so much more than mad, or scared?"

She kissed the top of his head, urging him to answer the question himself, and pushed a little more when he didn't right away. "I know that you know."

"They love me." Mikey answered weakly, face buried deep in the blanket as a fresh wave of tears wracked his body.

"That's right," April kissed the top of his head again, "They love you. They love you _so_ much, Mikey. We all do, more than the whole world." She looked down at him, snug against her in the blanket, shoulders trembling. "You know that, don't you?"

She got a weak nod, and she stroked the side of his head and held her hand there, coaxing his tear-soaked face up to hers to look sincerely, and a little sternly, into his eyes. Her voice a little quieter, a little firmer, she repeated, "You know that, don't you?"

He held the gaze, eyes full of pain and honesty and remorse as he nodded again to her, until he clenched them shut against the stream of tears coming down, so she squeezed him back into a big embrace as he retreated his face into the blanket again, stroking his head and rocking back and forth.

"Oh Mikey...we do, we love you so much. I know how distant your brothers have been lately, and I know them well enough to imagine how much worse it must be between the four of you. God, the things you all have been through, I just wish I could go down there and hold all of you until all the troubles went away."

"I wouldn't mind if you did." Mikey said, making a rough, wet choked sound that could've been some attempt at a laugh, and April chuckled warmly at the light attempt at humor, giving him a tight squeeze.

"That's right, and your brothers aren't gonna get away from it either, even if they want to." She smiled, before it melted slightly again. "I know all of you are hurting so much. Your brothers have a particularly hard time verbalizing their own feelings, and might even say some things they don't mean, but I'm here to assure you that no matter what, those three would drop the whole world to listen if you said you wanted to talk."

She traced her finger gently down his head as his eyes were locked on hers while she spoke, such deep complexity in those baby blues that it made April proud to say they belonged to her baby brother.

"Can I tell you a story, Mikey?"

Looking up at her with wide eyes, Mikey gave a ghost of a nod.

April sighed, snuggling her baby brother close. "When I was nine, I lived with both my parents in an apartment, much further out from the main city on the outskirts. My dad was climbing in the ranks of science and my mom was an environmentalist who worked as a florist. My Aunt lived in the inner city and owned the consignment shop, Second Time Around, and the farmhouse I took you guys to."

Mikey nodded again, already completely lost in the story with such awe on his face, it almost made April chuckle.

She continued, "One day, my dad was having an important convention at the lab where he worked, and my mom went with him, so my Aunt was staying with me at the apartment. We got a phone call early that evening from a police officer, telling us my parents had gotten into a terrible wreck."

Something drained from Mikey's face, and he looked a little paler.

"It turns out, something my dad had been working on had turned into an incredibly controversial topic over a very short period of time, and he and his team came under fire from some secretive group that was never clearly identified. Now I think it had to do with the Kraang, and some parts of the government that knew about them and was trying to keep some info secret. Either way, it was ultimately suspected that my father was attacked intentionally, but it was my mother who died."

Mikey's face scrunched up, clearly on the verge of tears, and he looked so desperately at April that she felt the need to bump her forehead to his, reassuring him.

"It's ok. I'm still not over it, really, but I've found some pretty great people – and turtles – who've come into my life since then." She smiled back when Mikey's expression lit up, and she continued. "At the time, I didn't understand what was happening – clearly – but it was a bit too much to explain, anyway, and nobody expected me to understand. So Aunty only told me that there had been a car accident, and my mother had passed away." April's face fell, and she sighed again. "I became continuously more sad and angry for a long time, and it was made worse by the way my dad kept getting pulled aside and made absent by the mountain of people and issues he had to deal with after the incident. The rest of our family was supportive, but our family was small, and sometimes they seemed to get drowned out by all the questions and controversy and moving around that happened after that. Eventually, it was only my Aunt that stayed with us and continued supporting us at all. I didn't understand, and I was sad, and _so_ angry, and I wouldn't talk to anybody, because nobody could possibly understand what I had suffered and what I was going through if everyone was too busy trying to attack the small family I had left."

April paused, and for a moment, the two sat in silence as she stared off into the distance, only the light sound of the rain that had started outside to be heard. After some time, Mikey snuggled in deeper to April's hug, and sighed. When she looked down in surprise, he looked up at her, and gave her a soft, affectionate smile; and suddenly, once again, April understood how the youngest sometimes appeared to effortlessly pull the rug out from under his brothers' feet, and turn them into helpless puddles of affection in less than an instant – no matter where they were an instant before. Smiling, she kissed his nose and held him tight.

"Eventually, my Aunt had had enough of my acting out and walling myself in, and she cornered me in this very living room and had it out with me. Oh, I screamed and I yelled and I cried, Mikey, and at the end, all I could do was cry. We both did a lot of all those things," She added with a small chuckle. "I hadn't ever wanted to involve my Aunt in my problems, and so I'd never really opened up to her like I should've, and shut her out and fought with her far more times than I like to remember. We talked for a long time. And ultimately what Aunty told me was how much she loved me, and believed in me, and how I never needed to be afraid to talk to her and say whatever I needed to, because she was there for me and refused to go anywhere; and I was safe with her, and we were going to be ok." April looked down at Mikey, and she looked sincerely, directly in his eyes.

"There were a lot of terrible, mixed-up feelings, and I was scared and didn't want to talk about it, because I didn't know what to say anyway. I was trying to push it all away and carry on, to be strong. And I don't really have this particular experience, but – brothers have gotta be particularly bad about doing that, especially big brothers, don't they?"

Mikey didn't move for a second, looking at her. But in the next instant, tears were running down his face again, and he gripped April's sleeves in his hands as he leaned into the hug, nodding his head.

"Oh, baby." April squeezed him tight and nuzzled his head as the youngest began choking up sobs. "Sweet baby brother Mikey, listen to me. My Aunty loved me and refused to leave me alone, and because of her, I was able to work through a lot of the problems I was facing and have the courage to take the world on again. I didn't ever ask or expect my Aunt to be there for me like that, and would've never known how to ask in the first place – I even tried to shut her out and fought her for a while, just like I did to everyone else. But she broke down that wall and forced herself in there with me, because she loved me that much."

April took Mikey's chin under her hand and gently lifted his face, wiping his tears away with her other hand. "Oh, but hon, don't you _know_ how much your brothers _love_ you."

Mikey cried, his voice hoarse and broken, and he nodded again, unable to speak.

"I've seen the crazy things they're willing to do for you, and the way they're all so wrapped around your little finger, you can make any of them melt at a moment's notice. I know that you know how incredibly much they love you, because they absolutely gush over you, and they couldn't _be_ any more obvious." Her voice going more quiet, she paused a moment before adding, "You don't gotta be afraid of them. You four are suffering so much, and we've found ourselves in some scary times, so it's so hard. But trust me when I tell you, you're a lot more important to them than any of that."

After a few minutes, Mikey spoke up again with a small voice. "I wanna go back, but I'm scared."

April put both hands on his cheeks after wiping his tears away. "It's ok if you're scared. You know I'm right here with you, and I love you to death, baby Mikey. But you know," she stroked his head comfortingly, "I think we should give them a call. I think they'd be really scared right now, too."

Looking deep into her eyes, anxious feelings etched deeply in his own, Mikey nodded. It couldn't be clearer that he thought the same thing, and with an encouraging grin, she pulled her T-phone out of her pocket.

"Want me to tell them where you are?"

Mikey nodded again.

.

.

A couple minutes later, April was in the kitchen on her phone, talking quietly. Mikey had drunk more of the tea April had brought him, even though it was a little cooler by now, but it was wonderfully soothing. The soothing effect was slightly counter-acted by his worry over his human friend's conversations with his brother, though, whichever one it was, because her voice had been growing increasingly more tense over the minutes, even though she kept it down. When he was about to get up and ask if everything was ok, she was suddenly hanging up and marching across the living room to the window again, mumbling to herself but sounding a lot more anxious than annoyed. It had started to rain a few minutes after he'd entered her apartment, and she looked out the window through the weather.

He got up and walked closer, keeping the blanket around his shoulders so he could wrap it anxiously around his middle. "What's wrong?"

"Everything's ok," She reassured, watching out the window with a slightly uneasy expression. "Your brothers were just already out looking for you, they said they'd come by here. I was talking with Raph, but he said he thought Leo was probably closer."

"Oh," Mikey looked out the window too, tensing slightly. _Leo._ He wasn't sure if he was ready to face his oldest brother first. What if he was still mad? What if he was _mad?_ Mikey could understand if he was, really. After everything that happened, he'd just – left, without saying anything. Not that he – he was doing anything to say, or expected his brothers really thought so, either.

After all, it's not like he scared them half to death about it earlier this evening.

God, he felt sick again.

He knew his brothers absolutely loved him to death. But Leo had chased him around the lair just trying to get a hold of him, and then at least, he was _angry,_ and he didn't know what to do about that. Leo didn't do that. Raph did, sometimes even Donnie did, but never really _angrily_ like that, and never Leo.

He walked up next to April, watching her uncertainly, and turned his eyes down when she looked at him. "Raph...was...did he..."

April's expression turned sympathetic, and she gave him a warm smile as she lifted his chin up to meet her face again.

"He was pretty upset." She said very quietly. "I'm betting they all are. They're very scared about you, but Raph sounded relieved to hear that you'd come here. They just want to know that you're safe, and I think things will start getting better once they can come here and see that you are."

Mikey turned his face to the ground, hands clasped and hanging low. Where would they start? What would he say? Would they still be too upset to listen?

"It'll be ok." April said, as if reading his mind, and gave him a quick hug. "I'll be right here. If they're really angry, they'll have to get through me first, mark my word." She gave him a confident grin, and it softened an instant later. "They're just scared. Just tell them what you told me. It'll be fine."

Looking thoughtfully at the ground, Mikey sighed, mustering up some courage. He knew April was right. And after a moment, he swung his arms around her, burying his face in her shoulder when the tears rushed back. "I love you, April. Thanks for being a better sister than I could've ever asked for."

Tears welling up in her own eyes, she wiped at them and hugged Mikey back, as tightly as she dared. "Mikey honey, I love you _sooo_ much, and I always will." She said, nudging his forehead with hers.

Releasing her, he gave her a big, tearful smile before walking back to the couch, throwing his blanket over the cushions and reaching for his cup. He didn't quite make it, however, before there was a loud _thud_ on the fire escape outside April's window, and they both whipped around.

* * *

A/N: Hello everybody! I felt like there was so much more depth and character conflict that could've been involved in the season 4 finale and the associated aftereffects, and this is basically me exploring that idea. The second chapter is mostly finished already, but even though I've been working on this story on the side, it started getting much buggier and more difficult to put the ending together in a nice, neat package, so even though this was supposed to just be a single story, I decided it might need 2 chapters. As always, I can promise LOTS OF ANGST, and Raph, Donnie and Leo will be letting out some of their issues, too.

I'll put out #2 as soon as it's ready, so for now I hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading :)

(In other news: "Well that escalated quickly")


	2. Chapter 2

April immediately let the brother in, who stumbled in so fast, soaking wet and hardly able to stand on their own fumbling feet as they turned to April to whisper pleading and desperate questions, that it took a second for Mikey to recognize the blue bandana. But April motioned toward him, and when Leo turned and saw Mikey, there was a half-second where the world stopped spinning as they stared at each other.

Mikey was backing up with his hands raised at the same time that Leo started to limp forward, and only got out, "Leo, I–" before he was buried in a lightning-fast embrace that almost sent him tumbling into the floor.

Leo was trembling terribly, his heart was hammering out of his chest, and as soon as he had his baby brother in his arms, he was _sobbing._ "Mikey," He whimpered with such a fragile voice, tears just pouring down his face and so broken that Mikey immediately started crying again, too. He hadn't meant to scare Leo like this, none of them. _No._ He hadn't meant for this at all. "Mikey, baby, I love you."

Mikey's heart shattered, and grief and warmth and agony all washed over him at the same time. "I love you too, Leo, I love you, I love you," Mikey cried, burying his muzzle into Leo's neck, because his oldest brother was holding onto him so tight that it almost started to hurt, and Mikey was afraid if Leo didn't calm down soon and take in that he had him, and Mikey was right there, and everything was ok, that he might pass out, because he'd already fallen to his knees. He wrapped his arms around Leo's neck, because he knew it was his oldest brother's favorite thing, and tried to return half the snuggles his big brother was giving him.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Leo." He choked out, but his apologies were immediately smothered as Leo nuzzled his face, shaking his head.

"No, no no." Leo hushed him and kissed his face, burying his muzzle in his baby brother's cheek. "Mikey, the only one who should be apologizing is me. If I just...I shouldn't have just jumped at you, and – _oh,_ Mikey, I'm so sorry. I never meant, I never, never –"

"No, no," Mikey shook his head vigorously, nuzzling his face into Leo's before his brother could keep going. "It's not your fault. I'm the one that scared everybody, and I'm so sorry, I – I'm so sorry–" Mikey dropped his face against Leo's shoulder when he became too choked up to talk, and Leo squeezed him tight in an embrace that swallowed him whole, trembling with tears and burying his muzzle against his baby brother. The only thing either of them could manage after that was to hold on tight and mumble how much they loved each other, crying hard and holding on harder.

Smiling from a distance, April pressed her sleeves against her eyes and wiped her hands at her face. Mikey looked at her, and he could almost physically feel the warmth in the twinkle-eyed look they exchanged, before she went to the kitchen with a warm smile to prepare more tea. Pressing his muzzle to Leo's neck, Mikey sighed, and Leo gave him a squeeze.

.

.

Leo was the one on the couch with the hot drink this time as they waited for the other two, wrapped up in three layers as he tried to warm the chills away – towel, baby brother, blanket. Neither had detached from each other since Leo had gotten there and neither had talked much since the initial reunion, either, and that was beginning to give Mikey some uneasy feelings. If they started talking, it would probably be better if Raph and Donnie were there too, so for now they simply sat in silence; but –

" _You think we're gonna run off and get killed too, if you don't watch us?!"_

" _Why should I have to!"_

" _Go away!"_

The words from earlier that evening rang in his head like a terrible nightmare. He clenched his eyes shut at the very thought of it, willing that it never happened. But it had, and he didn't know what to do about it; and besides that, dad – dad, dad. Clenching his eyes shut, he dropped his forehead against Leo's chest, listening to the soothing heartbeat and trying to forget everything else.

Leo jolted a little and was looking down at him then, making Mikey look back up to find despairing, horribly exhausted panic on his brother's face.

"What's wrong? Are you ok?" Leo asked in a low voice, such sudden anxiety in his eyes that Mikey could only blink back in confusion.

"Huh?"

"I'm sorry. My mind was a hundred miles off, and I wasn't even..." Leo scrubbed at his face with his hands, tensing as self-reproach and anxiety quickly started building up in the way only Mikey and his brothers could tell. Face scrunching with aggravation, Mikey wrapped his arms around Leo's middle, determined to put an end to his horribly internalized beating where it began.

"Leo. You didn't do anything, I'm ok. You're not allowed to beat yourself up, big brother." He gave his brother a small jostle, hoping to calm him down.

Looking down at him for a moment in surprise, a flurry of thoughtfulness and confusion and warmth with all the power of the sun racing across his face, Leo only held his baby brother tight and touched his forehead to the younger's, breathing out a sigh.

Thudding sounds came from the fire escape outside April's window, and both brothers quickly looked over the couch to see the other two hurrying through the rain. April was racing out of the kitchen back to her window at the sound and Leo and Mikey weren't far behind her, but Raph was pushing his way inside first and helping Donnie through after him, both soaking wet.

Mikey quickly took a few cautious steps toward his older brothers as soon as they were climbing inside, hands apprehensively raised toward them. "Raph, Donnie, are you guys ok?"

" _Mikey,_ " The older two breathed, and immediately they were scooping up the younger in an all-consuming embrace that couldn't be broken apart by any power on earth. He buried his face in their crowded shoulders, clenching his jaw and squeezing his eyes tight against the emotions that broiled up like a volcano, not even noticing how the rain-drenched embrace got him soaked. The two trembled as they held Mikey, nuzzling him with faces full of grief and worry and relief and love, and stroked thumbs across his face, exchanged nose-bumps and planted kisses in his cheeks and his face before they buried their heads in each other's shoulders again, saying a thousand things in the silent interactions between them. Donnie cried and trembled as he squeezed his only little brother, and Mikey weaseled his head to snuggle deeply underneath Donnie's chin as Raph wrapped his arms more fully around the younger two, shivering like a crumbling wall.

Leo was sweeping in only a moment later, enveloping and bracing them all in invincible arms with such a new wave of exasperation and worry and coddling that Mikey almost got worried, until he realized – Leo had been worried for Raph and Donnie running around in the rain.

He couldn't help but smile at that, sinking into their arms, buried under nuzzles and snuggles. Big brothers would be big brothers.

April clasped fists over her chest, tears running brazenly down her face with a warm, affectionate smile, before leaving for more towels.

.

.

It was around seven at night when the last two brothers got to April's apartment, and everyone was exhausted – so for the most part, for the next half hour or so, the only thing they all did was sit together on the couch with their towels and blankets and hot tea on the table, snuggled and squished in together in a big pile, and rest. Mikey was squished in the middle of all his brothers, and they were all snuggled against Leo, and April couldn't tell if it was because the oldest wouldn't let them all go, or because the younger three were concerned about their poor big brother after all the panic and worry and terror, and had all unanimously decided to pillow against him; but either way, her smile couldn't be wider whenever she came through to check on them.

At one point Donnie moved to remove his wet towel and drink some more of the hot tea, and Raph followed suit. Mikey stared stonily at the floor, holding his blanket tight and wishing Leo would just ask April if they could stay overnight and all of them would go to sleep, that they wouldn't have to talk. The last thing he really felt like doing was talking. What he felt like doing was staying here with his brothers and sobbing his eyes out for the rest of eternity.

After they'd discarded their wet towels, Raph and Donnie laid back against the other two with their blankets, only having to lean in to be re-absorbed into Leo's embrace. Raph put a hand on Mikey's head, startling him a little bit. When he looked at his older brother, Raph didn't initially say anything, but his eyes were so full of love and sadness and a secret sort of understanding that only Raph was capable of having, Mikey immediately broke down again, shoving his hands up into his face.

All three brothers noticeably shifted and pressed in against him, three pairs of arms wrapped tight around him like the safest security blanket, and he leaned his head down against those arms, crying quietly. Leo cupped Mikey's head under his chin and Raph pressed his muzzle into Mikey's cheek, which he leaned into as he held Donnie's arms against him. With a pang of worry, he realized Raph was crying just as hard as he was, and Leo and Donnie squeezed them both so tight.

"I miss dad," Mikey finally squeaked out, terrified that that's not what they wanted to hear, but all three of his brothers lurched in mutual sorrow, snuggling against him and choked up with pain.

"I miss'm too, baby bro." Raph whispered, nuzzling his broken-up face against Mikey's, and Mikey nuzzled him back, oddly comforted by the collective heartbreak of his family – in a terribly painful sort of way.

"...I'm sorry I ran away." Mikey continued, voice just barely over a whisper this time, but each of his brothers reacted even more strongly this time, and he kept going before they could jump in and stop him. "I didn't...I didn't mean to, and...I _definitely_ didn't mean to scare everybody. I was just...afraid, that...I don't know..." Shaking his head, he hid behind his hands again, and tried with all his might to fight the sobs that came raging back. He felt terribly guilty, and didn't know where to begin. But he also just wanted his brothers to talk to him, honestly, because they were the ones he was worried about –

He was pulled out of his rapid decline with a firm kiss on his forehead, and he looked up to see Donnie, who had scooted around in front of him.

"You can trust us, baby bro," Donnie said gently, thumbing Mikey's cheek thoughtfully. Raph's and Leo's arms were cocooning him back inside their embrace as soon as he'd moved, and whether or not he had intended it, he was there to stay now. When he looked back to Mikey, he had the smallest, warmest glint in his eye, and Mikey returned it with a secret, wobbly grin. "You can talk to us, so don't be afraid. We want to hear you,"

Leo gave a nuzzle to Mikey's head, voice low and rattled. "Please, don't bottle this up, little bro."

Mikey blinked. What? He'd seen his brothers as being so much worse off than himself. "Bottle it up?...I'm not the one anybody needs to be worried about being bottled up."

He rubbed his eyes and glanced at them, but nobody seemed to feel the same way – and in fact, he realized each of them had gone at least one shade paler, and he stared back in confusion.

"The hell you talkin' about?" Raph blurted out, and didn't notice or ignored the look full of worry and anxiety like fire the oldest threw his way. "We've been worried sick about you. You hardly do anything you used to anymore – even we've been tearing ourselves up trainin' our asses off, if for no other reason than to be hittin' _something,_ but you're absent, everywhere – not reading comics, not the media pit, not the kitchen, none of the places you like to be – and where did I find you last time? The _garage,_ of all places, covered in grease 'cause you were doin' something to try and help me with my bike! You never _talk_ anymore – we come through just to check on you now and then, 'cause we're so worried and it sounds like you're not even _there!_ "

Mikey stared in shock, because the growing panic on all his brother's faces only reflected truth in Raph's words. He hadn't thought he'd been acting unusually, and if he had, he hadn't thought it was noticeable, with the sort of terrible weight they'd all been dragging around. And Raphael – who was Raphael to talk?

"Me?" Mikey suddenly blurted out, his brothers staring at him. "Me, not the one who's been stalking around home and running from his brothers until we've practically stopped sleeping from worry, never saying a word to anyone, not even speaking up enough to argue or be angry about anything, and for God's _sake_ couldn't be threatened to begin opening up to us, scaring us all to death? No," Mikey shook his head. "I'm not the one that's been silent for weeks, worrying the hell out of me because he won't talk and he'll avoid everybody and disappear into his room for hours and days, making me go look for him because I don't even know if you're eating and I'm terrified you've just vanished!" Fresh tears rolled down Mikey's cheeks as he grabbed Raph's arms, torn between terror and anguish. "You hide and you won't talk, Raphie, not to any of us! We're so worried, _Raph –_ "

Raph faced his little brother more squarely and clung to him in a desperate way, holding on with fear and worry and love that could move mountains, and pointedly not looking into either of the other two's faces. His voice dropped to a soft hush and he spoke gently but anxiously, as if Mikey had it all wrong. "No, no no no, Mikey, little bro, listen. You are our precious baby brother, you do so much to look after us, you can read us where we can't even see clearly and you run yourself ragged doing all sorts of little things you don't even realize just to take care of us, and not a one of us deserves that, we couldn't do anything to deserve a precious little baby brother like _you_ in a million years." He smiled with a warmth like fire in his eyes, stroking the tears away from Mikey's cheeks with both thumbs, and his voice suddenly became more regretful. "But maybe you've inherited a few things that ain't too good from your big bro Raph. We just wanna hold you, we don't want you runnin' around fussin' over us, baby bro, but you won't open up 'cause you don't want us worryin' about you, you don't even want us to suspect we need to, whether there's a reason to or not."

Raph cupped Mikey's face and looked at him with affection and sincerity, and a slight stoniness that he _knew_ meant not to try anything, because his older brother would see right through it. Raph was always the hardest to fool with these things, probably because he was the only one who did all of it more than Mikey. "You can't do this, baby bro – we won't let you close up and shut us out. But it's like you're sinkin' in something too far away for us to grab you, and we can't seem to get a hold of you, and you ain't reaching out – and we're terrified, Mikey. And – and, what Leo found, he –" Here Raph paused, his voice collapsing, and he looked on at his little brother more pleading and helplessness than Mikey had ever remembered him, tears rolling down his own face now. His voice was much quieter and unsteady when he continued. "Please, we love you, Mikey. Please, talk to us."

Mikey looked at his big brother with wide, anxious blue eyes before squeezing them shut, burying his head in Raph's chest and curling his arms around Raph's sides, and all three brothers were immediately around him once more, holding on tight. They rocked in the quiet of the room, and for a moment, Mikey wished that they could stay just like this forever.

In the tiniest, most unsteady voice, he mumbled through the group hug, clutching Donnie's arms to him and face still buried in Raph's chest, with Leo at his back. "I'm scared," He said, tears rushing back like a breaking dam. "I'm scared 'c-cause I don't know what's gonna happen now. I don't know what's supposed to happen now, and it's too scary. All I want is you guys, I just want my family, April and Casey, I want my brothers, because I love you guys, so, so much," His voice broke momentarily, "B-but I don't know what you guys want,"

He paused for a moment, the pain too strong to continue, clenching his eyes tight and tears running down, and for a second – putting so much complicated junky nonsense out in the open – he felt like an absolute loser. But then he remembered April's words from earlier – _Don't be afraid of them. They're just scared._ He gave a shaky sigh, thanking God for his human sister.

And then, of course, his brothers squeezed him tight, squishing him close and giving him worried nuzzles, and his heart burst. Burying his teary face against theirs, he fought on. "I don't know what...you guys want now, or if your feelings have changed since...since Sensei's gone now...I didn't know if...if maybe you guys thought it'll be too hard here without Sensei, or if you're angry because of what happened, a-and...if you think it'll be too hard to stick together, with everything going on a...a-and...maybe you guys would hurt less if...I didn't know if...if you wanted to leave..."

Suddenly, Mikey got a sensation like a light coming on in an entire corner of his mind that had been in darkness before, because he hadn't realized he'd been scared of this. He hadn't realized he'd been afraid that the impossible might come true, that his brothers might become angry with each other or get too lost after Splinter's death, or maybe they would even be happier to remove themselves from it all entirely, because Splinter wasn't supposed to die. Dad wasn't supposed to die. And with this realization, Mikey completely broke down. He sobbed, and somehow he felt all of his brothers' hearts lurch into their throats in panic and despair as they cried with him, squeezing him tight in a grip he wouldn't have been able to get out of even if he'd pleaded. He knew they were about to stop him, so he forced himself on before they could, because there was more they needed to know. "I'm so scared," He sobbed. "'Cause Sensei is gone and 'cause I love you guys and 'c-cause I'm worried about you because I'm afraid you're all _dying_ inside and I don't know how to help, and I feel like _shit,_ like I should be able to do something but I can't and it's all my fault _,_ and I HATE myself –" His voice faltered and lost any strength he'd gotten back. "–And I'm afraid that after what happened, I'll somehow make everything worse or hurt you guys even more, and I – I can't help but keep thinking about what happened to dad, b-because – it should've been me that Shredder threw off that roof, not him –"

His brothers reacted violently to that, unable to take any more. Leo flinched and curled so much tighter around Mikey that his legs pulled in around the three, shaking arms now clamped tight around his baby brother's middle and heart racing at a million miles a minute, the way it felt – and it was so scary that Mikey stopped right where he was. Any blood Donnie might've had left in his face flushed out now, and he was left wide-eyed and stumbling for words as he held onto Mikey and struggled not to pass out, white as a ghost. Raph immediately had Mikey's arms in a vice grip that was almost painful, staring at him with all the fire of hell in his eyes, but not looking much better than Donnie.

"Baby brother," Raph's voice rumbled quietly, brokenly, and new tears slipped down his face as they stared at each other, whole worlds of emotion between them. "If there's anyone that should've been thrown off that roof, it's me."

" _ **No!**_ " Leo suddenly shouted out, and nobody had time to do anything else because suddenly, they were trapped in his arms with a strength that none of them thought their oldest brother had, but all knew they couldn't escape. He held all his little brothers tight against him, crying and trembling so badly, they started to get worried. No one said anything else for a moment, because they were afraid someone might actually have a health emergency, and Leo currently looked like he was bounding past Donnie to be the first. He cradled their heads close to his and buried his face, crying terribly.

"Don't you _dare_ say things like that," He eventually said, his voice low and unsteady and trembling and sounding completely like shattered glass. He pressed his forehead hard against Raph's before directing his words at all three of them, giving them a horrified squeeze. " _Any_ of you!" Abruptly turning to Raph again, Leo continued, voice suddenly like thunder and eyes alight like fire in a storm. "Raphael, if you even dare to _think_ you're gonna be blaming yourself for _anything_ –"

" _If I weren't to blame, I wouldn't have let dad die!_ " Raph suddenly cried out, trying to pull away from the group, clearly and abruptly not feeling comfortable or like he belonged near his brothers anymore – but pulling away caused a fierce, almost violent reaction as he was pulled back in with three times the strength by his three brothers, and he was swallowed in their arms.

Raph struggled a little, but the fierce hold on him now was one he knew he'd never break, and defeated, he dropped his head into Leo's shoulder, face torn up with a terribly helpless, wounded sort of despair that killed all three of his siblings like nothing else in the world could. His two younger brothers snuggled deeper into him and held on tight, terrified by the unfolding trauma from their sibling that the oldest was already toppling over.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save him," Raph cried, his voice so miserable and fragile, like he'd committed the worst crime imaginable and forgiveness was no longer in his reach, like he believed the only thing left for him was hatred and exile. Still, Raph turned slightly to press his muzzle to Mikey's face for a moment to give him a weak nuzzle, clasping onto his two little brothers wrapped around him. "Mikey, baby brother, we couldn't love you more if we tried, please, please know that. If there's anyone to take all the blame, that deserves to be hated for what's been done, it's me. The minute dad was left up there with me at his back, he was doomed." Raph paused, and there was silence for a moment, if only because the other three siblings were choking down a heart attack. "I'm sorry I'm such a fucking...such a God-damned...God..." And then he broke down crying, face buried in his older brother's shoulder, slumped in defeat with his shoulders heaving.

Holding all of his little brothers against him in a grip of iron, shaking and at least five shades paler than he should be, Leo dug his muzzle into Raph's cheek with a kiss, clearly about to rip down his little brother's self-sabotage when all of a sudden –

"What the hell do you mean it's your fault?!"

All three brothers turned wide eyes to Donnie, but couldn't cut in before he continued.

"Raphael Hamato, just what exactly are you saying?!" Donnie said, and it wasn't clear whether he was furious, terrified or about to break into insane hysterics. "Are you trying to tell us that because _you_ were up there, _supporting_ dad and _fighting Shredder_ SEPARATED FROM US, with no backup – tricked, outnumbered and at our enemy's mercy – that _you are to blame?_ Because _YOU'RE WRONG!_ "

Donnie turned to face Raph fully, actually letting out a little hysteric laughter before rambling on, refusing to be stopped. "Raphael, you know Shredder wasn't gonna stop there? You know how easily he could've done the exact same thing to you? You know how _close_ he was, how _**ready**_ he was, because he knew he had you in a corner and the three of us were too far away because _I fell for his diversion?!_ " At this, Donnie put his hands to his head, like there was a terrible monster in there he couldn't get out, staring at Raph with sudden abject horror and tears running down his face. "Even Leo knew something was wrong, but I was _stupid,_ I thought I knew what we should do, so I convinced him to listen to Sensei because I thought we had to, like it could've _ever_ been a good idea to split up and let you and dad face Shredder _ALONE!_ " Voice breaking, Donnie's hands dropped from his head and he wrapped his arms around himself. "And he could've, Raph, it could've happened so fast. You...you could've...we could've lost you, too, Raphie, just like dad. We...if we ever lost you, I don't know what we, Raph, Raph..."

Before Raph could reach out and grab his little brother tight enough to crush him, starting to lose feeling in his limbs and clearly dumbfounded, Donnie suddenly reached out and held Raph's shoulders with trembling hands, looking at him with eyes that crumbled by the second. Any of the strength in his voice from before was crushed, and he mumbled like he didn't deserve to be heard. " _We love you_ _ **so**_ much more than you could _ever_ know, Raph. Don't you _dare_ think you were responsible for any part of it, and don't you _DARE_ think such things about yourself. If we ever – ever lost you, we – we couldn't go on. Allowing you to get trapped in such a dangerous – it's – it's unforgivable. None of this would've ever happened if I hadn't been so – so – _stupid._ " Donnie dropped his head in his hands, shoulders shaking. "Raphie, I'm so sorry...This is all my fault. I love you so much, but I still..."

" _EVERYBODY_ _ **SHUT THE FUCK UP!**_ "

After the split second of panicked confusion, the three younger brothers were toppling to the side into the couch where Leo had been a second ago, smothering their initial reaction with complete disorientation. Who said that? Where did Leo suddenly go to? They all looked at each other with wide eyes before immediately catching a glimpse of their oldest brother, standing over them beside the couch, trembling and panting like he'd run home and back again and looking altogether _ill_ – as the answers they least expected began to dawn on them.

As soon as the confused buzz in their heads began to recede a little, one question remained – who _said_ that? They all spared each other the smallest, most nervous glance, because surely Leo hadn't just told them to _shut the fuck up_ –

"If you three," Leo began, pointing a finger at them, voice trembling even worse than he was – "Don't quit trying to – don't _shut_ the _fuck_ up right now –"

"L-Leo?!" Raph was the first one up after their oldest, holding his hands out and starting to look a little unwell himself. "Leo, bro, what –? Hey, just, calm down and breathe, you need to –"

" _NO!_ " Panic suddenly, unexpectedly seizing the older, Leo grabbed hold of Raph and all but threw him back onto the couch. The three younger brothers crowded together, worry and fear running wild on their faces – fear for their oldest brother's erratic behavior, not for themselves. Realization came to them that Leo might not be able to handle any of them moving out of reach right now, and they all froze in place.

"What the hell kind of fucking bullshit are all of you saying!?" Leo continued, his voice a roar of furious, unraveling horror. "The fuck are you thinking, that somehow you weren't – weren't – _good_ enough to prevent what happened?! That maybe you could'a _changed_ it all if you'd done the right thing at the right time?! That instead of dad, Shredder should'a run _you_ through the middle and thrown you off the – FUCKING – _FUCK!_ " Clawing at the back of his head, Leo stumbled back and sent one of April's lampshades crashing to the floor, and all little brothers jumped, nearly running to Leo but quickly freezing again in wide-eyed horror as he violently continued his tirade, fury like hades in his eyes. "Don't you _dare_ say that! Don't you _DARE_ ever say _ANYTHING_ like that! If I _ever_ lost ANY one of you, I–! _I–!_ "

Tears began pouring down Leo's face as he gripped his head, hunching over for the smallest moment. Hearts leaping into their throats, the younger siblings jumped up off the couch, and would've raced to him if Leo didn't suddenly start swinging and screaming so violently again. "What happened that night is more than _anyone_ should ever be asked to endure, to witness at _all!_ What you three did is more than anyone could've _ever_ asked you to do, more than my three precious little brothers should've _EVER_ had to go through! Don't any one of you _**dare**_ try to pin any blame on yourselves, because all the blame is _**MINE!**_ " Fists sinking down to his middle, Leo suddenly lashed out and toppled a chair beside him, unseeing eyes blinded by terror and rage and despair. "I _did_ know something was wrong," He continued, his unsteady voice finally starting to break. "Sensei kept talking about life after he was gone, and death. He was acting so strangely, and I don't know how – how he _knew,_ but he _did._ He didn't want us to face Shredder alone again, but I should've stopped him and asked more questions without letting him push himself in front to protect us like that. I should've talked to you guys. _I should've known and I shouldn't have let us split up –_ " He dropped his head in his hands, his tears hitting the floor. " _Oh,_ Donnie, you did _nothing_ wrong. Raph, both of you, _all_ of you, don't you even _start_ with those thoughts. You are everything you should be, you're nothing less than perfect, my precious baby brothers. I'm responsible for protecting this family, but I wasn't strong enough to protect our father...and I almost wasn't strong enough to protect the three of you, either."

Slowly kneeling to the floor as if collapsing in on himself, he sunk his head into his hands in despair. He looked like he wanted to completely sink into the ground and never come back up, and when he stole one last glance at them before dropping his head again, like he couldn't bear to see the three siblings he'd nearly lost – the sadness in his blue eyes was as deep as the bottom of the ocean.

Hugging his arms around himself, he hunched over the floor, tears falling from his hidden face. "I was so, so scared I was gonna l-lose one of you, t-too," He mumbled, voice quickly vanishing underneath broken sobs. "But I failed you all by letting dad get killed. And...and if you never want anything to do with me again, I understand. But please, _please,_ you have to know how much I'll always _l-love_ you, even if you hate me for saying so–"

" _LEO!_ "

Leo looked up with morbid fear, because his younger siblings sounded so incredibly terrified and full of _anguish_ , that he was almost afraid Shredder himself had charged in through April's window, too. But before he could register what was happening, he was being toppled over by all of his younger siblings, like they'd been bullets frozen in time. It was hardly more comforting finding out that Shredder hadn't actually shown up after all, though, because his siblings were _sobbing_ their eyes out, so full of agony and despair and pain, that a new terror began to grip him.

He blinked a couple times as his fuzzy mind attempted to grab onto the situation. "Guys? Hey..." He prodded, gathering his brothers up and squeezing them tight, and they had all the strength of children in his arms, sobbing against him. He buried his own teary face in between theirs, nuzzling and rocking them and hoping to ease the distress that was scaring him so badly.

After a moment, he dug his muzzle deeper between them and held on tighter, his way of telling them that he needed answers NOW, and Donnie was the one that scrubbed at his eyes and spoke up first, curling deeper beneath Leo's chin.

"We love you," Donnie cried, "D-don't say that, Leo, we _love you_..."

"Leo, big brother," Raph hiccupped, the weak sobs in his voice sounding so out of place. "We love you, L-Leo..."

"We love you, we love you," Mikey whimpered, his face buried in his brother's chest. "Leo, niisan, we love you so much,"

Leo had to pause for a moment, but when he unfroze again, the dam broke. Shoulders shaking, he crushed them against him and curled around them on the floor, wracked with such terrible sobs that all his little brothers could do was sob too, holding on just as tight. They buried themselves against him, trying with everything they had to hold their oldest brother together, because they were afraid he might just crumble to pieces if they didn't. His hands desperately, tightly gripped the backs of their shells, like he was terrified they might disappear.

"Leo, big bro, please," Mikey all but whispered, unable to look at any of them for fear of losing his voice completely. "All of you, _please,_ don't say such terrible things. It wasn't the fault of any of you. How could you possibly think that? How could you say those things?" Mikey clenched his hands into desperate fists as they began to tremble. "How dare any of you accuse yourselves of such horrible things! Don't you dare! Think anything else, but you're not allowed to do that. Be angry at Shredder, beat the wall until your fists bleed, take it out on me for making it so much worse. Be angry at anything else but yourselves. None of you deserves that! _Please_..." His voice bottomed out with the last plea, covering his hands over his face and vaguely registering his brothers swarming over him, burying him in fierce worry and love until he couldn't move.

They sat together on the floor for a moment in silence, tears running down their faces. The drum of rain outside continued on, and Mikey listened to it, trying to calm down and make his brothers take the time for that, too; his trembling disappearing into the warm, snug arms around him. He sunk into that like a blanket, allowing his mind to wander for a second, glancing at the living room; being cooped up between his brothers was beginning to make him phenomenally sleepy, after all the day's stress. The toppled furniture was a grim reminder that made his heart sink back into that terribly uncomfortable, nagging worry from before. Leo was in too much pain...Again, he considered asking April if she could possibly let them stay at her apartment – possibly for a while. Maybe they could even get Casey to move in early. The idea of the four of them going back to their lonely lair like this felt like regressing back to the same dark state they'd been in before – his brothers needed somewhere to heal where someone other than just themselves was around.

"I'm so sorry I ran away," He mumbled. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare everyone, but I did, so badly. I..."

"No, no." Leo shook his head, nuzzling Mikey's with his, anxiousness in his sad expression. His voice was shattered, and it gave all the younger siblings anxiety to hear their big brother so terribly broken. "I didn't mean to yell at you," He whimpered. "I didn't mean to get angry, I never, _ever_ meant to chase you away – but when I – I found – I lost it, I just lost control of everything," Leo dug his muzzle into Mikey's shoulder for a moment, trying to contain sobs and keep his breath even enough to speak, before continuing, "I was just scared, I was so scared, Mikey, I..."

"I know, I know, I'm so sorry," Mikey cried, pressing his face against Leo's neck. "I didn't intend any of it. I...I don't know why I looked at those things. I didn't even mean to, but before I knew it, I was there. I was..." He hiccupped, and his voice came weaker. "I was afraid that abandoning this place would've been best for you guys, and I was terrified everything was just gonna fall apart, but I hated myself for even being in the way if you all would've been better off. I was angry at myself, and it wasn't fair that it had to be Sensei instead o-...for some reason I couldn't look away, and I kept thinking about what happened, like – like it was gonna change it. Like it would change anything...and I...I'm so sorry."

He left his face hidden in Leo's neck, wrestling self-deprecation and despair in a match to the death; but his brothers squeezed him and nuzzled his face, nestling him close and holding and loving him until it was hardly a match at all. He wanted to wrap _them_ up, and tell them how much love they deserved, but the consensus seemed to be in favor of drowning _him_ in it; so he let them bury him in nuzzles and kisses in the peaceful quiet, until Raph finally spoke, a desperate pain in his eyes.

"Mikey, baby brother," He said, his voice heavy and broken under the weight of his emotions, and Mikey looked up at him. "You had it _so_ wrong." He paused, letting out a shaky breath, and bumped Mikey's muzzle with him before continuing. "You know...what happened to dad _did_ rip the floor out from under us – I know you know it, it happened to you too. And honestly – none of us _do_ know what to do. I mean, I wager we were all grasping at the same straws." He quickly added, and the other two older siblings agreed, Leo dipping his head and pressing theirs closer. "I do know all of us did stop talking about it, at some point. I don't recall any of us actually talkin' about it too much to begin with. It was like a brick to a glass panel – everything we thought we knew, or the way we thought it was supposed to be. And I'm still not sure what we're supposed to do." Raph leveled his gaze with Mikey, his sad green eyes suddenly sharp, and all the doubt and insecurity there was suddenly swallowed by something else. "But you don't ever have to be afraid of something like that – _any_ of that. Nothing will ever split us apart, we'd _never_ abandon you. I don't care what happens, because nothin' will ever be able to stand in the face of the bond between all of us, and Mikey, we love you _so so_ much." Raph scrunched his eyes closed, nestling his forehead against the younger's. "We'd all die before we let anything happen to you."

"Raph's right, Mikey," Donnie added, looking anxious. "I know all of us have been in such a – a – weird, disconnected place, and we might all be having trouble reaching out when we need to, but – you shouldn't ever be afraid to talk to us. About anything! No matter what you're feeling, please, always know you're safe to come to us, and it's ok. We are _always_ willing to listen, no matter what it is."

Donnie looked so torn up and desperate, Mikey couldn't help flinging his arms around his neck and burying his face against it, regretting _ever_ not doing what Donnie said in the first place. Donnie nuzzled his little brother's head. "It's so important, and it's so important to us," He continued, " _You're_ so important to us. How could you even begin to think we could ever stand being anywhere without you? Much less that we'd be better off? Nothing can ever change how much we love you, Mikey."

"I love you guys, too," Mikey shakily sobbed, tears coming back in a torrent. "More than anything in the whole world, I love you..." He wrapped his arms around Raph's and Donnie's, turning to bury his face in Raph's shoulder when the older loomed over him, and the two older brothers cocooned around their smallest, too emotional to talk.

Leo planted a kiss in Mikey's cheek, and Mikey looked at him with big, desperate blue eyes like an ocean.

"Just like Raph and Donnie said. Don't ever be afraid to talk to us, Mike." He said, his quiet voice low and soothing, and he gave them a squeeze. "I love the three of you _so_ much, my world couldn't even exist without you." Suddenly, Leo's eyes turned very sharp, a cold snap of seriousness appearing so abruptly Mikey could only look back wide-eyed. "But don't you _ever, EVER_ think we'd be better off without you again."

Mikey blinked, before his expression filled with sudden worry, but Leo only kissed his nose. "Listen. If Shredder burned New York to the ground, and the Kraang took over the planet, and the sky fell, it wouldn't _matter._ We would never, ever, _EVER,_ abandon you – I can't even fathom such a thing. We'd never be better off, and in fact, we'd never be the same." Leo paused to let out a shuddering sigh. "Now that dad's gone, it will be difficult. But if anything ever happened to you..." His face crumpled further as he shut his eyes tight, pushing back the thought, pulling all of his little brothers tighter. "If I ever lost one of you...I'm not sure how I'd go on. So...just hold on to me. I promise we'll figure this out, and we'll do it together."

Without warning, the three younger brothers wrapped tight around the eldest again, trapping him and burying their faces against him. Leo was nearly knocked over backwards, and righted himself with a small huff that could've been anything from laughter to worry, holding them all close.

"We'll never let go," Mikey said, looking up at Leo with the brightest, most tender smile he was capable of, the first one he'd managed to make in what felt like a month. "Please, don't ever let us go, either..."

As if he thought Leo would ever. He felt it, the moment his big brother fell to pieces, absolutely melting inside. He nuzzled his face into theirs with tender affection, kissing their faces, and they snuggled him back. Mikey struggled not to doze off, buried in three pairs of warm, strong arms and smothered in affection - his favorite place in the world. Sandwiched between all of them, he let out a sigh, almost laughing, resting his head in the crook of Leo's neck and drifting off anyway.

* * *

First off, I'd like to say editing for this story has been WAY more complicated than I thought it would be, and I'm posting the second chapter at 7am without having slept yet and can almost guarantee I'm going to go back over this later anyway. XD Also, A THIRD chapter is currently on the way! This thing got so damn long, I was just going to post the rest of it as a super-long second chapter and let you all laugh about that with me, sans the editing problems. Yes, though, the brothers still have a bone to pick with each other over this, I'm just trying to figure out where to fit that into the next chapter before this story ends.

Secondly, THANK YOU everyone who has favorited and left reviews! I love hearing what you guys think about it.

staringatstars07, you're spot-on, and I'm glad April's words resonated with you, and I'd like to give you a digital April-hug.

Athese, I totally agree, I've always wished the 2012 show would use more emotional and character depth. Even when I was the age the show is trying to target, that's what I enjoyed the most, and I think other kids would like it more, too.

Everyone else, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

(Also, just wanted to mention, I have a headcannon that Leo will call all his little brothers his "babies" under extenuating circumstances, and they all find it funny and sort of adorkable in the mother-hen way Leo can be, especially since he doesn't really seem to notice he says it, but since it's usually under serious and extenuating circumstances even Raph hasn't had the opportunity to tease him for it yet lol. That still probably wouldn't make Leo stop though heehee)


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